Porcelain Doll - Att Må Psykiskt Dåligt.

Mina Tankar, Allmänt / barn, broken, heart pain, panikångest, porcelain doll, psykiskt, scars, sexuellt utnyttjad, självförtroende, självkänsla, ärr, ångest / Permalink / 0

I have many thoughts now, I write a poem..

Porcelain doll

My life started sadly not too good, was born into a family with too little love and peace.
Got very wrong love from my pedophile father.
Got to grow up wrong, quickly and did not really know what love was!
This has been eating me up inside all these years.
This has made me feel like a porcelain doll, fragile and empty inside!
Nobody wants my heart and soul for real, just play with it when it suits them!
My heart is so black and ruined, filled with scars, tape and wire.
Got my heart broken so hard so many times in life.
So, I've forgotten what it's like to really love.
Been hurt so many times that I have not dared to love fully again.
Really love my partner, and had wanted to show it more than I can .
I often feel like a toy, funny at times and be prepared when peoples want to have fun.
When it is finished playing, I get thrown into a corner and forgotten.
Sometimes it is taken up again, but then I feel so alone and used.
I have feelings.
I'm not here just when it suits "you".
I have a big heart who just wants to love and give all of me.
Feels like I'm never enough.
Always there is something wrong.
I struggle and struggle.
And when I try and am happy, it is always someone who complains and looks down at me.
It does not make things better.
What have I done to deserve this?
Why can not I be happy, at least sometimes ?
I do not ask much.
Sitting with my heart pounding so it hurts and tears sting my cheeks!
I might not have been the one who was out of town or been really exciting, but oh, I still have been through a lot.
Things no one knows about except me.
No one knows me in real life and know what I'm going through.
Not even my siblings.
Have a lot of secrets.
Been hurt, been bullied in school, exploited, deceived.
Has miscarried where I got the fetus in my hand .
Sexually abused by my own father , has been sold sexually by a man - which I did not dare speak out .
Has almost always had poor health and felt mentally unwell .
Grown up with psychologists since I was a child.
But have never abused drugs or alcohol .
Except that I was a sex addict for a while.
If I had written an autobiography, many would be shocked.
And then people understand why I am who I am.
Not many had managed what I have experienced, I say.
I myself do not understand even myself how I can stand up and even want to try to live on.
But I do it for my lovely daughter!
What have I done to deserve this?
Will my heart ever heal?
Will my soul find peace?
I know I'm no angel, but I'm really trying to do good.
What should I do?
Please give me a sign or hope!
Otherwise, I can do no more.
I do not like myself right now.
My mood is completely off the wall and my stomach surprises me every day.
I hope I will some day find peace. <3
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